


The 5 Things Vala Doesn't Know About Herself

by CrevanFox, LaterTuesday



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: 5 Things, Alternate Universe, Crack, Crossover, Gen, Humor, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-20
Updated: 2009-11-20
Packaged: 2017-10-03 10:52:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrevanFox/pseuds/CrevanFox, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaterTuesday/pseuds/LaterTuesday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a half crack, half gen fic about Vala Mal Doran</p><p>"<i>They are soon joined by Browncoats, Trekkies, Scappers and several denominations of Whedonists. </i>"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The 5 Things Vala Doesn't Know About Herself

I. _Vala Doesn't Know that Qetesh saved her life._

Her homeworld didn't have advanced medical technology. There was no way for her to have the pain in her chest checked out. She almost died from the same type of cancer that killed her mother. By the time Vala got her bearings back, as a prisoner of her own body, Qetesh had fixed the problem, and never thought about it again.

II. _Vala Doesn't Know That In Most Alternate Realities She Is Dead, Jailed, Or Someone Else._

In 4 678 932 realities She was killed by a rival System Lord, while still Qetesh.

In 1 932 421 realities she was killed by her village after the Tokra removed the symbiote.

In 1 200 987 realities Vala was imprisoned by the SGC for grand theft space ship

In 5 644 realities Vala died when Tomin found her, Denya and Seevis using the communication device. The Ori saved the child, but killed Tomin for interfering in their plans.

In 3 670 realities Vala died in childbirth, the Orici taking the last vestiges of life from her mother. In that reality the Orici had no human name and she was a much crueler woman.

In 358 realities Vala was never born. Of course in one of those realities it was nothing but shrimp, and she would have been very bored.

In 16 realities Vala was an Earth woman named Claudia Black

In 9 of these she was an actress.

In 7 of these she kept landing roles on amazing sci fi shows

In 6 of these the amazing shows kept getting cancelled

In one of these realities angry Claudia Black fans storm the studios. They are soon joined by Browncoats, Trekkies, Scappers and several denominations of Whedonists. They hold the studio executives hostage, forcing them to watch hours of mainstream television, until they admit it sucks and bring back the good shows.

III. _Vala Doesn't Know That She Is Allergic To the Faffa Nuts of P4X-9K7_

She has never been there. She will never go there. They don't grow anywhere else.

IV. _Vala Doesn't Know That She Had A Son_

Several years into the their life on the Odyssey Vala and Daniel got pregnant. Two months later she miscarried. After time was reset, and those lives unlived, Teal'c saw no reason to remind either of them of the pain and loss they had once experienced.

V. _Vala Doesn't Know That Jacek Isn't Her Biological Father_

Of course, Jacek doesn't know that either. The great deceiver never considered that someone, especially his quiet, accepting wife, could ever pull the wools over his eyes. Her real father was a travelling tinker. He was named Bobin. He mended shoes. He wouldn't have made much of a father either.


End file.
